sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.