“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
You Might Also Like
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.