“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it