Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
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You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]