[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-