Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
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I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Steam Forums
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.