cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
When libraries troll their patrons.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.