me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.