I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
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Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.