A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
You Might Also Like
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
normalize having existential bread
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face