My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank