[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
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Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Google assistant rules
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I have so many questions.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist