My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
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Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
ouch
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
⛄️