They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
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I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.