MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
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Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
every single time
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
They got Raph!
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂