[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
You Might Also Like
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide