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ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Sing it!
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.