[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
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[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.