I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
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5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch