I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*