I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You Might Also Like
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters