True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My dad is at it again
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?