whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
You Might Also Like
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.