*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”