[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.