Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
You Might Also Like
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Netflix and you sit over there.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?