me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time