Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
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My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Did…did a minotaur write this
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.