me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.