[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”