Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
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*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Incredible customer service.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
asking santa clause for nudes
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
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Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*