Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I鈥檝e never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won鈥檛 want to leave the house for several weeks.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You鈥檒l never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 馃槈
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I鈥檝e got that going for me.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.