a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
You Might Also Like
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.