Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
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me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.