Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
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I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
wishing you and yours all the best
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”