“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
adding to the discourse
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?