I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Erm I’m gonna say no
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..