Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
You Might Also Like
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.