THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.