me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
men, we mow at sunrise.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )