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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
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I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work