I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
lost dog
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous