Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.