I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
me and the Superbowl rn
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?