I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Going into Monday like
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.