Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
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Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I beg your pardon?
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
The answer is funnier than the question
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.