Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
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I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
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when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??