Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
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i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin