Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”