I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
New tinder profile pic
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away