Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
nature’s most graceful animal
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
*Seductively hides in the woods
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
life finds a way
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.